9-6-09: Step 4 & A Line From "Any Given Sunday"

I attended both 8am and 930am services. I know I "heard" at 8am, but something happened @ 930; I got ssssoooo sleepy. Instead of fighting through it in my seat, I just stood on the wall. In standing up, I regained alertness; to the point the same message really pierced my heart, mind and spirit deeper. I resolved that it is time for me to do a fearless, moral inventory, as we were directed. I asked God what did that look like...be careful what you ask for. Of all days, my pastor chose to say my name in the midst of the message. In an instant, I felt this surge of something that I would normally call pressure. It was the heat, with a pulse that felt like/said ..."RUN! HIDE! TAKE COVER!" I had to ask God what had just happened. He showed me it was fear. My Truth: There was no where I could run and hide; this is my protection mechanism. I don't want to deal with his authority b/c it frightens me. I don't want this less flawed image of him in my mind to disappear & run the risk of losing the "safe" environment because to lose that would mean I would have to leave because when that environment is challenged I've told my self that its time to roll-out. And to roll-out would mean starting over and starting over would mean I've wasted all of 10 years for what. (This is sick! I see other things connected to this truth I've created that makes the rabbit hole deeper.) None of this has anything to do with him, the church, or whatever present, but rather in my past, i didn't learn to deal with the truth; they acted like they valued it as long as the message was what they called "good" anything else they didn't want to hear. So, I learned whenever I received truth in a manner that didn't make me feel good meant I had to take flight and receiving truth any other way meant Pain. Writing this is so eye-opening because it is contrary to the Word of God; that same Word I am trying to govern my life by. I resolve. I am sick and I want to get well.

There's a part in the movie, "The Peaceful Warrior" where Dan is having this battle with himself. I never really understood that part, until today...(taken from the message today)
"The second most destructive offender is FEAR. As soon as we began to look at ourselves, FEAR jumps in and says to us: "Now be careful. What you are seeing is not really true. In fact, don't even see what you see anymore [denial]. You don't have a problem, so act like its not even there [ignore]. From this day forward, you make up your OWN WORLD and call anybody who challenges you to see the damage you are doing, a troublemaker hater! [avoid reality]. The guilt & shame we feel about our past causes us to not want to conduct a thorough inventory."

So much more came to me about it being time for me to get in touch with my father, not so much as for a relationship, rather to be honest about how I feel, to apologize to my husband, and to be honest with myself. THIS time next year I will not be the same. I am so thankful God that you have presented me a package that I must unwrap one layer at a time and I think it's called, DELIVERANCE.

Lastly, I saw one seen in the movie, "Any Given Sunday"; Jamie Foxx's character began to complain about his arm...he turned around and saw his audience of one (his coach) was not there...he then confessed to himself that he was scared. (He stopped making excuses.) I saw myself in this scene in a flash. So, I asked God is that what my not going for it (real estate/hair/products/trainings, etc.) is all about? Am I really that scared? Succeeding in a realm, on a level and in a state that I never have? I confess, somewhere inside of me I am afraid. Acceptance matters too much to me and this is one of the things that is making me sick. I don't want to take care of people nor seek their approval nor fear their chatter, abandonment or authority. I don't want to be in control nor over-react to change or whatever else I do to cope. I don't want to accept the "safe place" of poverty and playing small anymore as my home or where I frequent any longer. Pray with me. Thanks for reading.